Doctor Jokes

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .' My wife's going to have her

baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the

wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark Mac Donald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly

and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. ' Big

breaths,'. I instructed. ' Yes, they used to be,'. ... replied the

patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that

her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five

minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest

of the family that he had died of a ' massive internal fart

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

I love that one!!!!

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his

cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble

with one of his medications. ' Which one ?'. ..... . I asked.

'The patch . . . the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours

and now I'm running out of places to put it! 'I had him quickly undress

and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions

include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked. ' How

long have you been bedridden ?' After a look of complete confusion she

answered . . .' Why, not for about

twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while

checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this

morning?' ' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly.

I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . ... Bob replied. I then asked

to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with

purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of

tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered ...

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so

she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely

disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that

her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo

that read . . .' Keep off the grass..' Once the surgery was completed,

the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,

which said ' Sorry . . .had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY ! ! ! . . .. . . . . . .. . . . . ... . ....

8. As a new, young MD doing my residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed

when performing female pelvic exams.. To cover my embarrassment I had

unconsciously formed a habit of whistling

softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam

suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up

from my work and sheepishly said 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you ?'

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard.

No doctor, but the song you were whistling was ....
I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

Dr: wouldn't submit his name