4.3LXJ
02-09-2010, 07:52 PM
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT
THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is
something wrong with you This is dedicated to everyone who
ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal
training at the local health club.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high
school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would
be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic
clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but
found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club
to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek
god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white
smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines... I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he
was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out
the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy
iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs
were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full
mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth
over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or
stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too
perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he
gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put
me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent
a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape
and enjoy life. He said some other crap too..
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth
exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it
took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not
looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some
skinny witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine--
which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that jackass Christo more than any human being has
ever hated any other human being in the history of the
world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic
instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the
machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel...
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today
so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will
also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for
me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I
still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have
sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is
something wrong with you This is dedicated to everyone who
ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal
training at the local health club.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high
school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would
be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic
clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but
found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club
to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek
god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white
smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines... I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he
was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out
the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy
iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs
were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full
mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth
over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or
stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too
perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he
gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put
me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent
a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape
and enjoy life. He said some other crap too..
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth
exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it
took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not
looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some
skinny witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine--
which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that jackass Christo more than any human being has
ever hated any other human being in the history of the
world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic
instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the
machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel...
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today
so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will
also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for
me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I
still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have
sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!